The Breakdown of Communication.

"Guess this means you're sorry/You're standing at my door/Guess this means you take back/What you said before..." - Kelly Clarkson "My Life Would Suck Without You"

The first time I heard this song, I didn't pay much attention to the lyrics. Granted, the first time I heard "I Kissed A Girl" I didn't think much of THAT either. Then, halfway through, I listened to the words and actually said out loud (to myself), "WHAT am I listening to?!" and changed the radio station.

I digress...

Okay, so when I had that moment of realization with Kelly Clarkson's song, I considered two things: 1 - I should really stop listening to pop music and 2 - Why are we INFERRING apologies?

Somehow standing at her door means that he's sorry and that he's taken back everything he has said? You know how to know that for sure? WORDS!

I think that words are highly underrated. There are the sayings "Actions speak louder than words" and "A picture is worth a thousand words." I think that it somehow gives the impression that words aren't important. That somehow doing something or taking a picture is more valuable than saying something.

Communicating IS important. As times goes on, I'm learning just how important communication is.

Beyond words, you know what else there is to communication? Body language. Voice inflection. Facial expressions.

And...

I'm going to say it.

You can't get this through texting and chatting online.

It's driving me insane. I'll have different people recount these intense conversations they have had, especially with members of the opposite sex. I'll be amazed by their boldness and honesty. Then I'll ask - I have to ask - "What was the expression on his/her face?"
The response, 9 times out of 10, is, "It was through texting/chatting."

UGH. WHY?!

When I was a teenager, before texting, MySpace, Facebook, and every other online community was created, I had all my awkward, intense conversations face-to-face. Those were the days...

Granted, with this technology driven world I now live in, I've been guilty of it, too. And sometimes life just lends itself a bit easier to impersonal forms of communication. But I always think later that it would have meant more face-to-face. I usually feel cheated. And talk shouldn't be cheap.

Fight or flight.

I can't sleep. I've been trying, but no luck. I keep cycling between praying and thinking. The thinking seems to negate the praying.

I was thinking about fight and flight. What makes someone stay, when something that they're facing seems so much bigger than them? What makes someone run away from it all?

What keeps someone in the game is the will to fight. To fight no matter how hard it gets.
The fuel is knowing that even though everything in this world is imperfect and hopelessly flawed, somehow you have the power to make it better. You may not be able to make it perfect, but at least you have the ability to leave it better than how you found it.

I have lost my will to fight. Just temporarily, I'm sure. But I'm getting worn out. I'm getting tired of life and its demands. I'm getting sick of not knowing what the future holds.

I know the answer is to stay close to God. I'm frustrated by my inability to listen like I should. I'm terrified that one misstep could ruin the course for my life.

I'll feel differently in a few days. I always do. I'll somehow find a way to regain my ability to deal and it'll all be fine again. I'll be happy. I will choose to be happy, despite the circumstances around me.

A week in review.

My week wasn't actually exciting. At all, in fact. But I'm going to attempt to make it seem that way by adding vivid detail and a dramatic flair.

Monday, I donated blood for the first time. I nearly passed out halfway through, so they said I could just stop, but it wouldn't be usable... or something. I stuck it out like a soldier, saved three lives apparently, and got a courtesy thank you call yesterday.

I also did some cold calling to companies under the financial services heading of the phone book. I have to have an internship this summer to complete my degree and with no help from my school and no connections, I'm on my own. By some miracle of God, the first place I called and left a message was the first place that called me back. We set up an interview for yesterday, which was really cool. It's an older gentleman and his wife in a small, quiet office. He used to have a huge firm, or what have you, but now he mostly oversees other agents. He knows one of my pastors and is involved in politics. He wants to pay me. So... I get to graduate and I get some extra money coming my way.

I worked my rear off all week trying to prepare for the first Club Genesis of the season. I exhausted myself to the point that I got really sick and had to go home early and not see the fruit of my labor. There were 262 kids and 30 new kids. I love my job.

So now it's 8:20 on a Saturday night. I haven't been able to nap all day and I spent a good two hours watching "vlogging" on YouTube. I could never do that. I'm typing this with a mask on my face - I'm not always the most presentable. Anyway...

There's supposed to be a blizzard of sorts tonight. That's dumb, since it's April. I don't think that the weather is paying attention to the fact that Spring started two weeks ago.

And... abrupt ending.

To blog or not to blog...

I've been debating for quite a while on whether or not I should have a blog. I created this URL over a year ago as a requirement for a class. It's my full name. It seems wasteful not to use it.

I pondered why I would feel the need to broadcast my thoughts to others in this way. Shouldn't I just keep my personal thoughts... well, personal? The conclusion I came to was that sharing your thoughts, no matter how unnerving it is at times, makes your thoughts that much more meaningful. It's rewarding to communicate your thoughts in a way that others can grasp.

So here I am.